My Fears vs. Your (Gruesome) Joke

Who does have no fear? If you have no fear, I envy you because I have few or even so many…

I have fear of height, fear of reptile (go away you, scaly creatures), fear of darkness, fear of sudden crowd and noise, fear of the sound of knocking on my hotel’s door (especially at night), fear of getting a midnight call, and many other fears that may come along the path of my life (which I wish no more fear).

I’ve tried hard to face my fear bravely, overcome it, or whatsoever so I could be free from what they said as something ridiculous, but I failed and failed. I know that few of them hate my sudden jolting, screaming, startling, or whatever expression that I have while facing one. I know it’s annoying and bothersome for them. I feel sorry. But, I’m hurt by the word that I put an act; just for asking the attention, whose attention actually I want to have? I’ve never wanted to get any comfort from you, or you feel pity on me, or feel what I feel. I don’t need that. All I need is just do not trigger my fears or don’t play with it. I hate it, like the day when someone did something bad about it.

That day, about 100 meters in front of our car, I did notice that a creepy creature was about crossing our road to mining field. It wasn’t the first one we had seen so far, it was one of hundreds. However, one thing we were so sure that it was the biggest one, from that distance you and I did recognize the size, it was about two or three times the usual size. I even thought that one was a croc. Even though you were driving slowly, I asked you to stop the car for awhile, wait for it arriving at the other side of the road, and then completely out of our sight because (unspoken) my legs started losing its strength, and we also were not in hurry anyway. But you didn’t do as I asked you, and the dread started.

You should have stopped the car when I asked you, but you didn’t listen. Instead, you were speeding up while saying “Yes, this time we get the biggest one.” My legs were trembling.

You should have stopped the car when I begged you, but you didn’t listen. Instead, you kept on speeding up and didn’t even mind our bumpy road. I was shivering while imagining about your action.

You should have stopped the car when I started crying, but you didn’t listen, and I saw your smile was getting wider, while I was horrified more about your action.

You should have stopped the car when I started screaming and trembling harder, but you didn’t listen. You kept smiling instead.

You should have stopped when I was crying, screaming, and recklessly kicking your driver seat, but you didn’t listen. Instead, you kept on driving and speeding up and smiling.

tumblr_inline_mlrxebXsYg1qz4rgpPicture from here

I was still crying and trembling hard when you finally stopped the car and said that the creature now exactly in front of us, but it wasn’t the right time and the right spot to stop, and then you ended it all by saying that I was over-reacted. Then at our office you told the other people with your own version and told that I was over-reacted to your joke. I kept silence. I didn’t feel like explaining anything to anyone. It was useless and un-important. I let it be your story that spread widely, and they said I was funny.

New people in my new environment mostly said that those were ridiculous fears since my outer appearance didn’t resemble someone that had so many lame fears. They simply thought it just ridiculous for me having such fears. Ridiculous, they said so, and yes, I realized that for some people, my fears seemed ridiculous and some of them said that I just made it up for getting the attention. But there are things that they don’t know and I don’t think I need to tell them; I hate having those fears.

sad_flower_monkeyPicture from here

I hate living in those fears. I hate my lack of qood sleep at night after encountering one of those creatures. I hate when my heart beats faster than its usual beat when I get a midnight call. I hate the sudden cold all over my body when someone knocks on my hotel’s door without calling her/his name. I hate paying a room and I can’t get a good quality rest just because the mere fact that I’m alone in that room. I dislike when my legs are trembling and my body weakens when I see the bottom of a high place. I hate it. I hate every single of it. I hate it, but I don’t think it’s something significant to tell to them. I hate it.

Even while writing this, I got shivering all over my body, remembering the creature, remembering your action, and remembering the moment that I lost my trust in you.

And my fear lingers…

thumb3_lonely_sad_monkeyPicture from here

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7 thoughts on “My Fears vs. Your (Gruesome) Joke

  1. speechless ! I don’t believe you have those people who you call friends around you. of course we all have fears. and we’re struggling to overcome our own fears. even those who follow the therapy to overcome their fears takes a long time to get rid of it. fear is normal and experienced by everyone. only the form and the level are different. but still, fear is not something to be laughed about. and I don’t see anything funny from fear that need to be ridiculed. to your friends,

    1. Ah, mba, yes, I do have few coworkers whose actions would leave us speechless. in contrary, they thought it was common thing. 😐
      Thank you mba, thank you for your words. Hugssss

  2. Aaah i feel u… I have the very same phobia with that thing which even saying its name can bring me goosebumps. I wish I could help smack that smile of that silly friend of yours.
    Big hug!

    1. Ahhhh, thank you mba, It’s nice to know that someone feel what I feel. Hugsss.
      Thank you thank you, I wish I could do that as well.
      Hugsss *sorry for being late in replying*

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