If I did believe there’s previous life before this life, I did believe that I used to be a bad person or I used to hurt so many people. Or, these are the fruits of all bad things I did in the past. I may just get my own karma.
About passing the quarter life
As an Indonesian, I’m not supposed to take any life partner or marriage related questions personally when I have passed the quarter life years ago. However, I did sometimes.
A month ago, my younger cousin tied the knot and I was happy hearing the news. I was happy for them. Even now, I’m happy for both. I was just upset because of my uncles. When I said that I couldn’t come because my miss-matched work schedule, instead of giving a respon, he asked me a question,
“So, when will we talk about your marriage?”
I fully aware that kind of question would appear in every possible way and every kind of party, no matter how hard you avoid it, no matter how far the distance you make. I didn’t take the question personally. I gave my sweetest smile, so that one uncle wouldn’t feel like continuing the question, but he insisted, and then he added,
“If by the end of 2016, you don’t introduce a man to our big family, I ensure you are NOT going to get married for your whole life (repeats it three times), trust me you won’t (repeats few times), take my words for that, I cut my ear and neck if you are getting married.”
Hearing that, I could feel my eyes teary, there, I was standing alone, and was circled by my uncles, they were laughing, and I was hurt. I looked at that one uncle’s eyes to ensure that he was teasing me, but he’s not. I wanted to throw back more hurtful words to him, so I would not be the only one who was hurt, but I couldn’t. I figured out how bad our relationship would be and how hard the position of my dad, my sisters, and my brothers in our big family would be, if I, the youngest, did something bad to the other family members. So all I could do was holding in my words and my tear.
If I give that moment a thought again, should I find someone in 2017, and hold our marriage? So I can have my uncle’s ears or head framed somewhere? *I think I become a psycho*.
That one man I used to trust
I put this story at the end because I think this is the most hurtful so far. There’s a man that I used to trust.
One night, he told me about how well his latest relationship went. I was happy hearing it. Finished talking, he asked about my rumored man. I said it was my unrequited love. I thought it would end the love related topic. But I was wrong. It generated something bad from that one person. He started giving his bad appraisal about me. Feel like reading the hurtful words? I’ll write it below anyway.
That man: “I know how that man feeling.”
Y : “Ah really?”
TM : “Your actions when in love are kind of disgusting.”
Y :”Ah, really?”
TM : You don’t change even a bit. How long it has been since you graduated. All I see that you stuck at this point, in all aspect of life. You are stuck when your best friends’ are skyrocketing. The way you think, the way you talk, the way you love. None of it is changing. You are stuck, both carrier and love life. Let’s compare your carrier to your best friends’.”
He then mentioned my best friends’ achievements one by one.
TM :”See your love life. Let’s line up the men you used to like since we were in collage. Tell me if there was one who liked you the way you liked them.”
He mentioned the name one by one. I had no idea what to do and say.
TM :”If I was one of those men you liked, I’d do the same; avoided you, simply because it was disgusting. So disgusting. Do you think any men would fall in love with you just because you show it? NO. You get it wrong. We are all afraid by those acts. You acted like having no pride.”
He said that as if he was a representative all of the men I used to like.
I had no idea how to respond it. And what I first expected as a conversation turned out to be my judgment day, which I thought was useless. He continued assessing me for more than an hour, mentioning those names one by one, pointing out where my mistakes were, and sometimes pointing his forefinger to my face. His voice was getting louder as he got emotional. That night was one of bad moments in my life. I wasn’t sorry for the long queue of men’s names that I used to like. I was sorry for him to be those hateful toward my feelings. I thought our friendship was too great to face moment like that. I was sincere when I liked someone. I was happy for both good and bad times we shared. I didn’t understand his way of thinking anymore. Moreover, I was disappointed because he brought back things from the past.