Please pardon me for taking a break from my Seoul trip and posting another worrisome here. This is caused by an issue that has been tickling my mind and my fingers for these past few days. It’s related to what my friend spilled here, and it strengthens by someone whom I just met few weeks ago unintentionally, and later we frequently share some short conversations. Our first conversation was first happened because of my misunderstanding toward him. The second conversation happened because I felt sorry for my misunderstanding. And then the third conversation happened naturally, and it continues. We have been texting each other ever since. However, his texts were getting strange day by day. NO, I don’t have this romantic atmosphere or feeling with him; I have it for another man. Our conversation gives similar vibe with the conversation I usually have with my close friends.
Our first conversations content were mostly funny and filled with daily basic courtesy. It was enjoyable. However, lately all I got for him was worrisome texts. I noticed it all started with this message;
“Now I live all by myself, I struggle in live all alone.” So I answered with long cheering texts and many favorite stickers.
From that moment, his texts were getting shorter and more worrisome. It went like this;
“It’s hard for me.” *crying stickers*
“Life is hard.” TT__TT
“It would be hard to see any damage to myself and people around me.”
“I’m facing nightmare.”
“It’s really hard for me.” TT___TT
“Goodbye Yuna.” *handwave sticker.”
“It’s really hard for me.” TT__TT
“I am all alone.”
“I’ve lived a hard life.” TT___TT
…and the other crying or depressed stickers…
At first I thought he was just too lazy to reply and didn’t want to share his problem, but later something scary crept inside my brain. I was really afraid that he has been thinking about something bad.
Thinking back the few days we spent together, I only saw his bright side. I have never imagined that he would have sent something as stressing as those texts. Therefore I felt something bad really happened. I’ve always tried to reply with some encouragement texts. I said that I couldn’t help him, but offered my ear for his problems, so he would not feel alone. I also have sent so many others texts that ensured him that I was there to hear all of it, every time he sent those short stressful to read texts. I said whatever I could say in order to make him feeling less lonely. I hope.
It broke my heart imagining the worst possible case, like giving up on life (knock, knock on the wood). It broke my heart. It reminds me those bad times. Since I was a teen, I’ve heard few people around me saying about giving up on live, saying that they would not feel the pain anymore when they were gone, saying that life might be easier without them. Whether back then or now, whether they meant it or didn’t mean it, it has been a burden for me to hear. Now, I handle those kinds of words better, but when I was younger, it was something unbearable to hear. Can you imagine a teenager hearing it, especially from people much older than her? Based on my experience, my world was a little bit shaken, and so was my belief.
Therefore, I don’t hope to be shaken that way anymore by anyone. It’s painful to hear.
Who always has an easy life anyway? I have never met one.
Yes, I can shout that life is hard so many times. Since I first embraced responsibility, I couldn’t even count how many times I broke down and cried because the thing that significant for me was hit badly; shattered my picture of perfection, causing damage here and there. So many defects are plastered all over my life. Shameful and unbearable situation have greeted me occasionally. I might be seemed living an easy life (at least from some people’s point of view), but I actually don’t. I keep it all under the shadow of the curtain or I leave it all before the door, and try to solve it one by one, even though it never seems to be solved. I just don’t declare my hardship to the world (I did nag here few times, but the hardship I usually hide is on different level and case). If I did it, I might have no confidence to walk with my head high up or have a smile on my face. At this point, I might go crazy.
Even though I already recognize that one simple way of keeping my mind in happy state is by how I control my heart and my way of thinking, in daily life, on contrary, it’s quite hard to do, especially when something hits things that matter to me.
Therefore, when I forget the manual of an happy mind, I just can repeatedly do this thing: look back to the things that once I called problems, the thoughts that once stole my happiness, make a reflection on how I recovered, and then I will tell myself, this time too, would pass.
For once in a while, I’m okay when we forget that happiness is a state of mind, I’m okay with being hurt, I’m okay with being worry, I’m okay to be not okay, but I am not okay with giving up on live. NO. NEVER.
So, I’m still waiting for that person’s text each passing day (haven’t figured out until when). No matter how bad or short the text’s content would be, or even only a drop of tear’s sticker, I think I will be able to bear it this time, for it means that person still living his life.