Yes, I am too much to handle, there were even times when I did hate myself for being too much in anything (lebay).
I posted about this before, when I thought someone was once harshly and recklessly said to me that it was too embarrassing to watch me falling for someone. He even mentioned that I was kind of disgusting. Yes disgusting. You might have never imagined before how loving someone could be disgusting, intimidating, or exasperating (yes, I finally use this word), even for someone who just watched it from afar. I didn’t realize it either.
I have never been a favorite when it comes to romantic relationship, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have that sort of romance feeling. I do. A lot. Although I almost give up about it right now. 😀
Therefore, so many times, I was the first who made the move. It might sound ridiculous for some people, but I simply wanted to express what I felt about someone. However, also many times, people who watched though it was too much. My way. My feeling. Ehm, I didn’t think so, until the person who had been poured by my excessive affection said himself because I did the same. When I didn’t feel like having that kind of romance with someone, I said it clearly, so he didn’t have to try more. It’s painless for both sides.
I never like myself either for having this much affection.
Yes, while laughing. When I first heard it, not long ago, I thought I heard it wrong, in love. I kept on affirming few times whether the word was love, but no, it was the laugh.
See, this too. Yes, I have heard thousands times that my laugh was too much (lebay, biasa aja kali ketawanya!). Nevertheless, when you have blood of Langsa’ (sub-tribe of Torajan) runs through your veins, laughing out loud; bursting your laugh is something you will unconsciously have self-learned while growing up. In my big family, my loud laughing sound is considered soft. I mean it. However, I can’t blame anyone who doesn’t catch up with it because we are all grown up with different custom and tradition. I’ve tried to be more considerate about people around me, but sometimes I lost my conscious and I forgot it because some people were annoyed or bothered by the way I laughed. My way was kind of intimidating.
I don’t have any idea about you, but it seemed to me that I had been dancing over someone’s pain (menari di atas penderitaan orang lain. Someone please let me know the English idiom). There, I was, felt bad again and trying to keep calm and contain. However, I couldn’t. I cannot. I can’t get it out of my mind. It has been echoing since that night. That’s why I write about it now.
One of three people felt intimidated by the way you laugh. Duh. If I put it into percentage, it makes 33,33%, and then multiple it by the people that I have met for my whole life. Nay. I don’t like to count it now.
Then, there, I felt bad and again, I sometimes hate myself for behaving that way.
I am a crying baby. I cry for my sad moments, I cry for my close ones’ sad moments. I sometimes cry for me or my friends’ happy moments. I cry for a sad scene in movies. I cry for various reasons. It’s not something I can brag about. I just cry a lot and for various unbelievable reasons you hardly imagine.
In the end, I cannot ask them to love “my too much-self” or simply receive it because there were times I did hate myself for being too much.
I play a lot. That’s it. I should have been settled at my age; the sentence that lately becomes so familiar to my ears.
Ah, related to this too, I play too much with my feeling. Since I have numerous crushes and it’s kind of fast, I play a lot even with my feeling. I am not sincerely in love. Yeah, it might not love, but affection. I have changed my feeling from one to another man so fast, so they were hardly recognized whether I was being sincere or not. What should I do to rejection after rejection? Lingering onto my own feeling? I think I should move on, but some people see it as insincere. As for me, I just try to be logic about feeling and rejection. That’s all. (picture)
It is not even easy for me moving from rejection after rejection though, and I don’t like myself for that either, so how could I ask anyone to like me for it?