He came out strong!
Without the basic courtesy, he started the conversation with a strong question that succeeded to make my mouth stretched inches wider than its usual maximum stretch.
I was hesitated to answer his questions at first since it was one of types that I usually avoided to have with just anyone whom I just met. However, he was patiently waiting for me. I postponed giving my answer for another couple minutes with my typical confused wide smile and questioned back eyes because I wanted to keep the nice flow of our first meeting.
He gave me more time. I gulped down the beer he served before, slightly confused in finding the way to ditch it. He smiled, I smiled wider. Minutes had passed, my beer was almost empty. Few minutes later, I was blabbing my answer, not sure which part of him did affect me to do so. I assured it wasn’t the beer he offered.
For my weak heart, the moment in between was escalated fast after we both finished sharing our thoughts about that issue, that moment which made my heart flattered, but my mind stayed alert and analyzed. Dinner at one of his favorite ramen shops nearby was followed after. It was indeed the basic part of hospitality, to share the local stuff. Dinner went smooth and nice.
We marched back to his tiny space. Never time filled with nothing. Surprising issues, heavy questions, and flattering answers were thrown alternately in front of my face. It all was mesmerizing.
Escalated even faster was the next moment. He said before he always had beers and wine inside his fridge because he loved drinking, but not alone. He had been waiting someone to share any of those drinks.
That closing night, that drink was wine and that someone was me.
My weak heart was flattered more; however my head in alert state even more, I tried to analyze even harder. You know, after passing through various da*n unfortunate moments about dating, chasing guys, being chased, being thrown, and stuff along the road (I will save the stories for next time), I couldn’t take thing like gulping down a bottle of wine with any guy easy, especially at the first meeting, when it seemed so nice and smooth. Never again.
He went to the fridge right after hearing that I could drink wine, even before agreeing to have it with him. It all was settled anyway, including the best place to have it, which wasn’t his room.
It was almost 10 p.m. when we strolled along the empty medium to narrow size roads around his quit neighborhood. Made short few turns right and left, we finally arrived at his designated spot.
I wasn’t aware at first about how awesome the scene because my head was busy analyzing random things on the road while still trying to keep the communication continuing.
Took a spot by following his lead, in second, after collecting my mind, I was impressed by the splendid scene around me. Another minute had passed, our empty glasses had been poured couple times, and then minutes later, came a frozen time when I was suddenly surprised about what was happening.
The scenery, the atmosphere, and conversation we’re in, exactly all things that I pictured in my head with another guy a year before. Sipping our favorite drinks with the shimmering landmarks of the city lied in front of us, while having this serious conversation about life and partnership. Giving our argument, our thoughts, so we could have seen the whole thing in front of us, we could have decided and solved, instead of running away from the truth. The whole matters that would make us whether to continue or separate in nice way. They say; mature way.
During that little moment, I felt sorry for this attractive guy beside me because I missed his talking. However, the show went on and on, until the bottle and glasses were empty out and he was slightly drunk. We strode back to his home, following our coming paths, more chat.
I wasn’t sure whether the whole moment that night was fully driven by the wine, or half, or fully by our consciousness, in general, I really enjoyed what he claimed as unplanned plan.
I wasn’t sure either if I could have enjoyed the entire bottle of wine, the scenery, and the ambiance that night, if it wasn’t him. He somehow politely and interestingly put on the table those issues, that I didn’t feel comfort having with just random guy, which sometimes accompanied by his deep breath after giving the questions, or hearing my feedback, or before answering my questions.
Although I wasn’t sure about the real catalyst of the escalated ecstatic atmosphere that night, before going to bed, I was definitely aware that my heart stayed the same as I came; exchanging hospitality. Even the next day, heart beat normal when we prepared our farewell.
That time, for me it was nice to have my heart beat in control because I wanted to keep it that state. I wasn’t ready to deal with another pain of being brokenhearted. I knew myself really well. I might easily fall for guy who kept pouring me with attention, however, the guy who was able to build deep conversation and set it connected would make his existence in me lingering, which was troublesome. And short time spent with that guy was proven he was capable to be one of which.
Love on the road is not allowed for me. Nothing is certain. I have so many things to deal ahead, than being in love.
So, It’d been in control so far.
Heart still beat normal, time for biding our farewell. We formally said thank and grateful one to another for the wonderful short time we spent together, also for the thoughts we shared. I insisted the idea of sending him first, looking his back faded away in to the stream of people of Tokyo.
I turned my back, left everything behind, and headed to the airport gate, where our real goodbye lied.
Texts were exchanging.
Heart’s beat was changing.
It fell again, on the same old trap it used to fall. It beat faster. I had to figure out if the reaction because the long time it had walked without such a nice companion or because of the small text telling me things that I had thought, wasn’t only mine, but us. I wondered.
Then I realized I liked his companion. His companion wasn’t the type that spoiled me, but that kind of companion, who let both of us doing or growing our own things comfortably. We did it on our ways in the same space and breath, but still respect each other.
The companion where sharing the simplest things were enjoyable. The companion that didn’t make me trying hard in front of him, neither him in return. It was so much different in many ways, even our favorite books had no slightest similarity. However it was comfortable.
One of many things that I haven’t mastered in this life is how to control my heart on in which direction it’s supposed to lean, on how to be normal about short first impression.
However, goodbye was inevitable. My heart was my problem. I had to leave his town for good, accompanied by this uncompromising changing heart of mine and thankfully also by the impressive shades of the dusk.
And now, here I am, with pieces of my heart. ❤
-Tokyo, June 2017-