2 A.M Rant

Which might sound awful.

Like many other nights, for this last one month, tonight, I cannot sleep well. Five minutes to 2 a.m what is written on my desktop as I start writing this and my eyes are full awake. Various things are crossing my mind now, all about life, my life and the other people’s, which is affected.

IMG_0106There are various unraveled stories through my thick and thin trips. Through its ups and downs. Through its awesome and awful moments. There are still many untold stories, either I think it’s unimportant to tell, unnecessary, unrelated, unbearable to tell, or any other terms.

However, I like telling this one story, about my family and I.

I have been away from home since early 2017, when the company that I had served for four years decided to end my contract. Yes, 4 years and still in contract term, not that good as an employee. They always found their way keeping me in contract term, and I always had my own reasons to stay with them instead all of the struggles.

Didn’t sound good.

Until early this year, we both gave up. They gave up on me and I did it too. I was actually waiting for another call for different project, but here we are now.

That early year, I started travelling outside Borneo, here and there. To Sumatra Island, NTT, fort and back Java Island, and later to few other countries. I didn’t feel bad at all.

I did even so much harder unpaid physical work in exchanging with free accommodation and meals, however I felt more relaxed, pleased, and satisfied.

I didn’t feel bad. Back then, the saving was enough for my family back home, but lately, the real struggles have appeared. I cannot support them so well now.

IMG_0290I feel sorry for that one.

I once promised them the world, and later I feel like I am the same person who takes the promised promising world away from them. I couldn’t feel sorry more for them. Them, my family.

My first and foremost support system; my sister, she assured me that they were fine with my choice, but I don’t feel assure about myself now.

In other words, I am kind of feeling insecure about everything, but trying my best to stay sane and living well (I still can tell hundreds nice stories tho).

IMG_0324I write this one because I am not brave enough to tell my family in person that all of things, the only one that I feel sorry toward them was giving up on the job that they saw as my stable job and life, which was not stable at all. I had never been good enough.

IMG_0108

I have never been good enough.

Jakarta 2.30 a.m

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20 thoughts on “2 A.M Rant

  1. You are always good enough. Remember that.

    Kadang kita yang dibesarkan di budaya Asia suka merasa bahwa kita berutang budi kepada orang2 sekitar, but remember – you should take care of yourself first, then others. If you’re not doing well, you can’t take care of the others around you.

    Aku juga merasa sama kok, ada rasa bersalah, apalagi dengan budaya bahwa anak itu harus “membalas budi” ke orang tua, dst dst. (One of the reasons that I don’t want to have children because I don’t want to burden them with my needs). I hope you stay strong, I know you are. Other opportunities would come by, that I believe.

    1. Makasih mba Ev, aku akhir ini merasa terkadang jawaban dr blog menenangkan.
      Nah, itu lagi satu tentang anak. Aku juga berfikir begitu mba dan juga takut gagal, eh ujung2nya d suruh ke psikiater ama salah satu temen, bukan sahabat dekat sih, cuma waktu itu share masalah pandangan ttg bekeluarga dan sejenisnya. 😓

  2. Salam kenal Yuna 🙂 aku setuju deh sama kalimatnya Mba Eva di atas.
    “Kadang kita yang dibesarkan di budaya Asia suka merasa bahwa kita berutang budi kepada orang2 sekitar” — betul banget, aku sampe sekarang juga masih selalu berasa not good enough dan apa yg kulakukan nggak cukup. Insecurity juga normal sekali. Love your writing, keep it up! It is very honest and relatable 🙂
    Mariska

    1. Salam kenal balik Mariska, 🙂

      Iya, yah, tapi emang melotok banget yah itu.

      Makasih banget yah untuk kata-katanya yang menguatkan. 🙂
      Akan segera bertamu ke blognya. 🙂

  3. Wowh yun.. bolehlah kalo mau curcol2.. *kasih nomor wasap*
    Betewe.. dlu gue setahun nganggur..nekat resign dari kantor yang udah lama kerja disana cma ga tahan aja.. terus ya selama nganggur jadi bisa mikirin macem2 sih.. lebih sering ngelamun sambil gosok baju jg.. wakakak 😀

    Setiap orang ada struggling masing2 di dunia karir ya.. tetap semangat..

    Ohya masalah ketakutan punya anak itu bener loh harus ke psikiater.. gue jg gitu soalnya.. waakakak 😀 tapi itu karena background keluarga gue dlu jadi gue takut punya anak.. tapi untungnya bertemu teman hidup yang bisa nyemangatin.. makanya nih lagi mlendung.. en minta pertanggung jawaban si teman hidup.. wkakaka 😀 😀

    1. Okay WA ntar gw minta ke Aling. Just in case. just in case. 🙂 ❤

      Lama juga yah 1 tahun. Ah, gw gak suka gosok baju, makanya ini blog rajinan, apalagi malam2 susah tidur cepat, walau lelahnya udah dari jam Isa.

      Iyah Geth, gw berusaha semangat selalu.
      Seriusan lo? ke psikiater? *emoji kaget*
      Itu ada yng diminta pertanggung-jawaban yah. Good good. 🙂
      Semangat!!!

    2. Pas 1 tahun itu tiba2 dapet kerjaan di bekasi.. jadi ga pp lagi jauh2.. hehe 😀

      Gue ngeblog kalo di kantor malah.. di rumah ga sempet.. terdistract nonton tipi.. :p

      Gue ga sampe ke psikiater sih.. tp emang beberapa temen saranin ke psikiater… cma emang ada beberapa problem yang bkin gue takut punya anak.. bahkan sampe skrg masih takut sebenernya.. haha 😀
      Kalau ada trauma di masa kecil emang susah tuh.. ke depannya jadi pribadi yang agak sedikit berbeda dengan orang lain.. hehe

      But we still had to embrace ourself.. 🙂

    3. Waduh, gw bukan trauma di masa kecil sih, kalopun ada keraguan karena dari diri gw sendiri.
      Setidaknya untukmu ada perubahan Getha. Semangat menjalani hari-hari menunggu kelahiran yah. Sehat terus kalian. 🙂 ❤

      *thank for sharing*

    4. Iya yun.. perubahan itu juga butuh waktu bertahun2.. tapi memang namanya yang dari diri sendiri itu pasti sulit dirubah.. sometimes butuh partner untuk bantu merubah kita…
      Yang penting semoga terus berkembang mejadi pribadi yang lebih baik ya… hehehe 😀
      Nanti dikabarin kalo udah berojolll…. hihihii

  4. Hey, how are you? Are you feeling better? I hope you’re not stressing yourself too much! Cliché but things will eventually get better soon. You may not be where you wanted to be at the moment, but you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be to get to there. 🙂 Hope you feel better!

    1. Hi Amielle,
      Thank you for the attention. I do appreciate it.
      yes, I am fine. So much better now, after sharing this.
      Ow, really love what you said. Thank you so much for reading and giving support. 🙂 ❤

  5. hmmm, pas baca jd inget pengalaman sendiri yun. cm belum siap ceritanya. tp sbg anak selalu ada keinginan utk bahagiain keluarga (khususnya ortu). aku jg begitu. dan selalu merasa gak cukup semua yg udh aku kasih. alias berasa kurang mulu. sering mikir malah kl udh gede gini msh aja jd beban buat keluarga. padahal pengen banget gak jd beban. aku pernah dlm kondisi keuangan yg bisa dibilang ” daelah bs apaan sih uang segitu ?! ongkos sehari jg abis kali “. tp dibutuhkan keberanian utk mempercayakan diri dan hidup ke Tuhan. menyadari bahwa God knows your condition, struggles. have faith kalau kita gak jalan sendirian. semangat ya yun’ !! *hugs-hugs-hugs*

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