Which might sound awful.
Like many other nights, for this last one month, tonight, I cannot sleep well. Five minutes to 2 a.m what is written on my desktop as I start writing this and my eyes are full awake. Various things are crossing my mind now, all about life, my life and the other people’s, which is affected.
There are various unraveled stories through my thick and thin trips. Through its ups and downs. Through its awesome and awful moments. There are still many untold stories, either I think it’s unimportant to tell, unnecessary, unrelated, unbearable to tell, or any other terms.
However, I like telling this one story, about my family and I.
I have been away from home since early 2017, when the company that I had served for four years decided to end my contract. Yes, 4 years and still in contract term, not that good as an employee. They always found their way keeping me in contract term, and I always had my own reasons to stay with them instead all of the struggles.
Didn’t sound good.
Until early this year, we both gave up. They gave up on me and I did it too. I was actually waiting for another call for different project, but here we are now.
That early year, I started travelling outside Borneo, here and there. To Sumatra Island, NTT, fort and back Java Island, and later to few other countries. I didn’t feel bad at all.
I did even so much harder unpaid physical work in exchanging with free accommodation and meals, however I felt more relaxed, pleased, and satisfied.
I didn’t feel bad. Back then, the saving was enough for my family back home, but lately, the real struggles have appeared. I cannot support them so well now.
I feel sorry for that one.
I once promised them the world, and later I feel like I am the same person who takes the promised promising world away from them. I couldn’t feel sorry more for them. Them, my family.
My first and foremost support system; my sister, she assured me that they were fine with my choice, but I don’t feel assure about myself now.
In other words, I am kind of feeling insecure about everything, but trying my best to stay sane and living well (I still can tell hundreds nice stories tho).
I write this one because I am not brave enough to tell my family in person that all of things, the only one that I feel sorry toward them was giving up on the job that they saw as my stable job and life, which was not stable at all. I had never been good enough.
I have never been good enough.
Jakarta 2.30 a.m